365 Days and More

(Trigger warning: Mental Health)

A lot can happen in a year. People can get married, or divorced. There can be births and deaths. People’s whole world can flip and change in just 365 days, and sometimes, we don’t even notice the changes.

In fact, I think it’s safe to say that my life has for sure changed in so many ways in the last couple of years. Some little, and some big, but changes all the same.

It’s no secret that I’ve struggled from mental health issues for a great number of years, due to childhood trauma and an emotionally abusive relationship so, unfortunately, at the end of March 2018, I succumbed to the thoughts that inhabited my mind and tried to take my life. Obviously, I didn’t succeed because I’m sat here writing this, but that was the kickstart to the changes that would happen in the 365 days that would follow.

I was referred to my community mental health nurse, and went through a series of meetings with her and was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which I may write a couple of posts about in the near future, and spent 6 months doing DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy), before being thrown into the deep end and relearning to cope with the world on my own again.

Personally, I feel as though this was the biggest change in the last year that has happened for me. I’m not completely ‘fixed’ as it were. Recovery never has a day off. It’s a constant battle and constant work, and it’s hard work at that. A lot about recovery is hard, but I think the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do was learn and understand that I’m worth recovery, just as much as the next person. Ever since I understood that in my mind, and in my heart, I’ve began feeling more content within myself, than I have ever felt.

For the first time in a long time, I’ve been content with just being by myself, and not having to be with someone to validate me, and my existence. I’m learning that I am enough as I am, and on my own, and if anyone were to change my current relationship status then they wouldn’t consume who I am but rather, be an extension of me. A welcome and amazing addition to my life, but not my entire character. I’m taking my time to fall in love with blogging again, to fall in love with reading again, to fall in love with photography again, and to just simply fall in love with life again.

When people used to tell me that ‘It will get better’, I never believed them. When you’re at that point in life, you just feel like you’re trekking through a long long tunnel, and every light you see just turns out to be another train coming toward you but if you just keep travelling, that light will one day turn out to be an opening. Perhaps not the one you hoped for, but the one you need.

Just remember; Everything is changing. Every single day, your life is changing and you don’t even notice it, but in a years time, you’ll look back and realise that everything is different. People you thought would be in your life forever are no longer there anymore. People you hadn’t met back then are some of the most important people in your life. Life doesn’t make sense, and no matter how much we try, it will continue to make less sense, so relish in it now before it all changes again because one day, all of this is just going to be memories. Love yourself enough to know that you deserve more, be brave enough to demand more and be self disciplined enough to work for more.