If there’s anyone that still follows me, or even still reads this blog, then you’ll probably notice that I haven’t posted in about 3 months.. or maybe you haven’t noticed at all, but to be perfectly honest, I’ve been going through a pretty rubbish time mentally. It’s no secret that my mental health isn’t the best, and for the past few months, it’s kind of taken over my life and I needed to take some time out for me.. but while I was doing so, I guess it’s safe to say that while I was hurting, I ended up hurting a lot of people too.. so in case you haven’t already gathered from the title, I’m coming back to this with an apology. With an open letter to those that I’ve unintentionally hurt while I was hurting..
To the people I’ve hurt while I was hurting,
Everyone has been hurt in life, it’s human nature. Anyone who says that they’ve been through life and never got hurt, is a liar. Pure and simple. But does that give us the right to inflict hurt on others, whether we mean it or not? Of course it doesn’t. I don’t know why we do it, but we tend to end up pushing away and hurting those who love us, because of the pain we feel, and therefore end up hurting ourselves more. SO whats the point? To everyone that I’ve pushed away, unappreciated, taken for granted, or hurt in any way in the past few months… I’m truly sorry.
I never intended to hurt those around me. I was at war with myself. With my own mental demons, and unfortunately, many that surrounded me, and many that I love became casualties of that war. I was broken. But even in a thousand pieces, I never mean’t to damage anyway and so, this post, is my sorry.
To my parents. When I didn’t love myself, you made sure that you loved me enough for the both of us. When I was bullied in school, when I was letting blades kiss my skin at early, heartbreaking, ages, when I didn’t quite fit in with the other kids, you were there. Every court appearance, every doctors appointment, every surgery, every parents evening.. you were there. In growing up, and finding myself, I have found that I’ve hurt you more than anyone. Something that I never intended to do and yet you still haven’t given up. You’re still here. I love you both more than you will ever know, and I’m sorry.
To my grandma. There is no one better than you. No one will ever compare or come close to you, at all. You were there through everything I ever went through. When I thought I’d be alone forever, you were there. Telling me that I didn’t need anyone. I had you. You were my best friend, and you still are. I’m sorry for always snapping when all you’ve ever done is try to help me recreate my life and get better. Thank you for loving me when I’ve given you every reason not to. I’m sorry.
To my ex girlfriend. I’m sorry for not knowing how to love. I’m sorry for caring what people think. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the wall that I built around my heart in order to stop anyone getting in, because I didn’t feel enough for anyone. I didn’t feel enough for me. Thank you for the countless nights that you spent holding me, while tears trickle down my face, and I’m begging for this pain to just stop. For this life to end. Thank you for finding me, just when I needed you. Thank you for showing me that I can be loved, that I am capable of giving and receiving love. Thank you for giving me courage, and thank you for trying to lift my self esteem. Thank you for being the best friend that I needed. Thank you for teaching me everything that you don’t even know you taught me. Thank you. I’m so sorry for the hurt that I caused you while I was hurting. It wasn’t that you weren’t enough, it was that I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough for me and I pushed you away. I shouldn’t have done that, especially when all you wanted to do was to help, but I never wanted you to fix me. I wanted you to hold me, to catch me, and to stand by me, while I fixed myself however, I will always be grateful for the things that you have taught me, and the memories that you have given me, and the sense of actually being worthy of something that you gave me. I’m so sorry for everything that went wrong in the last 6 months, from the things that I could have fixed, to the the things that I couldn’t. Thank you for loving me and showing me what that feels like.
To my ‘old’ friends. I’m a selfish person. I’m not going to deny that, I am, and I know it’s hard for you to believe but I did appreciate you and I do miss you at times. You may not have given me the friendships that I needed, or told me what I wanted to hear, but you gave me the friendships that you had and you told me what I needed to hear, and I’m sorry for rejecting both those things. I’m sorry for the nasty things that left my mouth and my fingertips in fits of anger. I’m sorry that we may never see the true potential that each of us can grow into. I’m sorry that we may not be able to look across a table at our weddings, or baby showers and see one one another sat there, smiling back. I’m sorry that we promised each other forever, not knowing that time changes everything. I’m sorry for making you feel your friendship wasn’t enough. It was. It was just me that wasn’t enough. I miss you both from the absolute bottom of my heart and I love you both. More than you will ever know. I’m so sorry.
I’m in the process of healing. I’m recovering. I’ve pushed a lot of people away, just so I could jump the nest, spread my own wings and learn how to fly. I’m not there yet.. I can just about make it from branch to branch, but I’m getting there.. slowly. I’ve shut a lot of people out so that I could be alone and allow myself to go completely off of the rails. I’ve lost near enough everything, but I have experienced freedom. I’ve also hurt a lot of people along the way, while I was hurting and trying to tape my heart back together. I was simply a walking disaster. A time bomb waiting to explode, but my weakness or brokenness should not have caused you pain, so for that, I am truly sorry.
Please forgive me.