It’s always been known that I’m much better at writing things down than I am at saying them, and so, I just wanted to get this off of my chest..
In 16 days, it will be 1 year without you but it doesn’t really seem like it. It seems like yesterday, I got out of bed and got dressed, like a normal college day. In fact, It was a normal day, that is until my dad got the phone call from mum saying that your Alzheimers had massively deteriorated and she didn’t think you’d have long left. Dad and I threw some things in a bag and jumped in car, ready to endure the 2 hour long journey but we didn’t even make there, before we got another phone call letting us know that you had slipped away from our grasp.
We never lose our loved ones. They accompany us; they don’t disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms – Paulo Coelho
I always knew that one day this horrific disease would take you away from us, but I always pushed it away. I always pretended that it wouldn’t happen because I didn’t want it to happen. I wanted you to be how you used to be, how I remembered you. The man who would lift me high in the air when I was barely 3ft tall. The man who helped overcome my fear of water. The man who became my hero. Instead, we were forced to watch you become a man that we barely knew, a man that you barely knew and the worst thing of it all was that this wasn’t who you wanted to become. You hated forgetting things, you hated calling me by my cousins name, you hated not recognising what your wife looked like, and you hated not knowing who your daughters were even though they were sat with you in the room.
The ones that love us never really leave us. You can always find them.. in here. (Your heart) – Sirius Black
When you started to get ill, you had the same three stories that you told time and time again, yet I hung on to your every word like it was the first time I was hearing it. Sometimes, I still expect you to be sat in your chair, shouting at the football on the television or reading the paper and although I know that, that is a sight that I will never see again, subconsciously the hope is still there and I feel like it never will go away. I love you inconsiderable amounts and it goes without saying that I miss you so so much..
Until we meet again…
Love, your little girl.