Trigger warning: This blog post mentions self harm, depression and suicidal tendencies.
I honestly can’t believe that I’m even sat here typing this out. I’m a fairly private person in a way that I don’t want to come across as attention seeking or any of that, however I feel that sometimes, it’s nice to find someone who understands how you feel, so if even only one person who reads this post, feels that I understand what they’re going through then that will justify this post, because I wish, 1 and a half years ago that I had someone who understood.
2016, will mark the year that I will become two years clean.
I used to be the girl who would cry herself to sleep, every single night, trying to be as quiet as I could, as to not wake the others in the house.
I used to be the girl who couldn’t even walk down the street without worrying that people would be looking at me, laughing at me, and thinking in their heads about how ugly I was.
I used to be the girl who’s skin, was kissed by so many self-destructive weapons because she just needed to feel..something.
I used to be the girl who thought she was never good enough. Never pretty enough. Never smart enough. Never enough.
I used to be the girl who would struggle silently. Helping everyone else with their problems, in hope that maybe once..someone would offer me some help in some way.
I used to be girl who felt like she didn’t deserve to live because she was nothing but a burden.
I used to be girl, who believed everything that the bullies told her, from the ages of 8 to 16.
I used to be the girl, who refused to eat in order to look like the pretty popular girls.
But now.. I am the girl who sleeps peacefully. I am the girl who walks down the street, head held high and not giving a single care in the world to what people think of me. I am the girl who no longer, longs to feel some form of pain. At some points, I still feel that I am never good enough, but I’m getting there. I no longer struggle silently. I no longer feel that I am a burden, but yet that I was put on this earth for a reason. I no longer believe the things that the bullies did to me. I no longer refuse to eat, and instead, eat as healthy as I can with a few added treats in there.
It’s still hard. There are still some days, where one minute, I will be smiling and the next, I’ll be wondering why I’m even here but that’s okay, because recovery is a slow process. It won’t happen overnight and relapses are all a part of it. I have realised that I do not need to rely on other people for my own happiness.
I guess what I’m trying to say, is that even if you have been to hell and back on a round trip, the pain won’t last forever. Sure, sometimes you have to be your own best friend and saviour, but there’s no better person you can rely on, than yourself.
I used to be the girl who thought all those things, and now I’m the girl who’s trying and that is all matters.
Recovery will come for you. You will get there one day, because just when the caterpillar thought his life was over, he became a beautiful butterfly.
P.S. I’m going to apologise right now, if this post comes across as ‘attention seeking’ because that’s not what I’m writing this post for, as I said at the beginning, however thank you for reading. I really hope that you are all okay and happy, however you need someone to talk to, or just someone to listen, please don’t hesitate to message me on tumblr here. I’m always here for each and every one of you.